I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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