does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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