So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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