She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
