I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
