i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed đ
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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