I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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