dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
