Dual....:-)
you guys were way drunker than both of me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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