So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
