i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
