If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
