I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
