Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
