Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
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I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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