everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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