I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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