I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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