I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
