My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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