Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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