So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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