If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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