Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
