the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So squirting runs in the family.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
