Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
