she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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