You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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