Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
