woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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