my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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