Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
