I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
