i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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