Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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