He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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