I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
