I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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