and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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