I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
