oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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