I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
