Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
