Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dignity is for republicans.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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