Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
