Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
