I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
