twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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