I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
