my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
