I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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