the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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