Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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