I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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