Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I believe in your delicious
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
