K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
