Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
