jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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