We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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