i wish my penis had a tongue
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
