Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
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Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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