Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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