The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
