I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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