Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
